March... you suck

March has been looming over me this year. Not really any one thing in particular, but just a bunch of everything and nothing.

Prior to 2001 March meant:

Spring Break

Road Trips

Camping

Boat Rides

Nicer weather

Easter Break

My Dad's birthday

Now... March just sucks. For lack of a better word.

I feel it creeping up on me at the end of February. I know that on the 15th, it will mark another year without my Dad. I know that in 31 days I will have to secretly celebrate my Dad's birthday in my head... because lets be honest, people think you shouldn't make a cake and buy gifts for someone who is gone. (Although the very first year, I bought a package of white hankies from Marshalls and never opened them.)

So, in 2 days it will mark the thirteenth year without my Dad. Thirteen long, yet short, joyous memorable years.

My mom bought a family beach house

I graduated from college

I bought my first car all by myself

I got my first apartment in the city

I traveled to Japan... TWICE

I graduated with my masters degree

I fell in love

I married someone who he would be so proud of

I bought 2 houses

I had not one, not two, but three sons! (He would just die. I know he would call daily to hear stories, and then he would call his friends and repeat these same stories until they were tired of hearing them.)

And so much more.......

March 15, 2001. It is burned in my brain. Every moment. Every phone conversation. Like slow motion. The images you rather not think of, yet don't want to forget.

I think this year is especially harder than most. We have had a bunch of family drama. He would be sick about it. 

I have had 3 friends lose their dad in the past year, and one a few years back. 

One, I have known since I was 8. He always reminded me of 'pre-cancer' dad... big, strong, funny, strangers liked him. I hate that my friends have had to walk down this same path. I hate that I can completely and utterly relate to them now in a way I would never wish upon anyone.  

I call it the 'exclusive club'. 

When I was trying to comfort her, she told me she was sorry she wasn't there for me when my dad was dying. No one knows, not until it happens to them.  

One of my sorority sisters who was with me in 2001, when we got the call that my dad was in a coma, lost her father recently. I met him several times over the years while we were in college. Such a fun dad.  I learned over Facebook that he passed. I'm still so sorry that I wasn't there for her like she was for me. ( Xoxo, you know who you are)

My other good friend, I never got the privilege to meet her dad. But she talked about him so much that you felt like you knew him. I would find myself asking her about her parents, and when would they visit, etc. And after her dad passed tragically, she told me, I had no idea you walked around everyday feeling this way. Another 'exclusive club' member benefit. I told her it gets better, time makes it hurt less, but it never goes away. Ever.  

Another teacher friend lost her dad one day before her birthday. Every year everyone remembers her birthday, and every year I remember that her dad isn't here to call her and wish her that very message. I did get to meet her amazing father, and he was very special, funny, and oh so tall... just like my dad.

My family has tried to cover up these days. My sister got married on March 15th trying to make it a happier day. She has now been divorced almost as long as I have been married. So now, I not only think about my dad, but I think about her special day, and the two wonderful children that came from that union. My brother decided to declare himself married, and when he did, they asked him to pick a date that the union was official. He picked March 31st, my dad's birthday. So not only do I wish my dad a happy birthday, I have to think about his marriage.

So March forgive me when I say you suck, but I'm ready for warmer weather. For planting new flowers. For making another year of memories before you come back again.

Homecoming 1997

Three of the Four men he would be so proud of.

Love you Daddy!

Happy 13 years to you.