Trying not to forget

Last night at dinner, it was just me and the boys. We were waiting for daddy to come home. And somehow got on the topic of my daddy.
I reminded them that my daddy is in heaven. But that he would have loved watching you guys play and be so wild.

Luke said, without hesitation, "I know him, I've seen him."

So I look at him kinda funny. But then instantly go run in to my guest bedroom and grab a photo album from under the bed. And show him a picture of the two of us.

He grabs it from me and said, "Yes, that is Lawrence." 

I make sure he isn't talking about my brother. And he goes, "no, your dad, this is Lawrence."

I haven't really talked to the boys much about my dad. I don't really know how to talk about death with them, or explain why they will never meet him. So, I really don't think they have ever seen pictures of him. And I never refer to him as Lawrence.

We always called my Dad Larry, but I really think he may have shown himself to Luke as Lawrence since Luke knows that is his middle name.

I think little people are the most innocent and open and perceptive. I really do think he may have met my dad in his dreams. I don't know. I wish I could know what they were talking about.

Sigh. The pain gets better, but then, just like that, I can snap back into crying like he died yesterday.

About a year or so before he died. 

But we did not know that the tumors were back.